When Loneliness Becomes A Choice

My loneliness is a sign of self-love and an acknowledgment of the necessity of others. Some might say the opposite, but my views are different. It is a recognition that I am worthy of meaningful, loving, caring, special, and significant relationships in my life. However, there comes a point where loneliness becomes a choice. Though not a choice to begin with, it has become a choice through my discernment of character.

I am not lonely because I do not love myself or because there is a hole inside me waiting to be filled with the validation of others. I am not lonely because I lack vulnerability or because of internalized negative beliefs. I am lonely because I know I deserve to be around people who align with my self. On the flip side, I know others deserve to know and experience me. I am lonely because there is an overflow of love within me waiting to be designated to someone other than myself. I need people to share in my joy, in my successes, in my lows, and in my highs. But I need the right people.

And though I know I am too great for others not to know me, I acknowledge that my discernment of those I should befriend might be off. I can no longer deprive others of the experience that is me. I love myself so much that I want others to know me. I am also aware of the benefits of having diverse people around me. I love myself so much that I want to experience others. I love myself so much that I have set up boundaries in order to protect myself from the negative traits of others. But maybe in this so-called “protection,” I have boundaried myself too close to the sun.

I may have been looking for perfection in others, rejecting them, and thus keeping myself lonely. Maybe I am selfish with myself. Maybe I don’t want to share the lovely being that is me with anybody else. Maybe, just maybe, I am lonely by subconscious decision. I know myself so much. I know what is good and what is bad for me. I have curated discernment during my period of isolation. It has prepared me for this lonely chapter, but not so much that I can escape it.

My loneliness is a sign of self-love and an acknowledgment of the necessity of others. But it might also be a sign of self-preservation and an acknowledgment of a desire for unrealistic expectations. As humans, we are meant to interact with each other, to know each other, to love each other. My loneliness is proof of that.